Love Letter To Self

Hey You!

You remember when Joey from FRIENDS said, “Have you ever looked at someone that you have known for a while and suddenly…suddenly seen them in a different way?” I have been with you for 29 years, and there used to be a time in the past when I thought you were irrelevant, inadequate and definitely not attractive. I remember belittling you so many times regarding so many things. But as a teenager, I started taking interest as I saw your confidence shine bright and your smile glisten through the crowd. I didn’t know how I felt then, my conscience kept sprinting towards and away from you constantly. Then there came a period in time, where my heart leapt out to you, as you fought your way through every battle against your fear and pain of teenage years, and were drenched in those heavy tears of yours. I was there, every passing minute, but I was too scared- to hold you, to assure you of my presence because I didn’t understand the concept of ALWAYS myself.

During the years after that, I saw you hop from one adventure to another and through all of it I saw you do what you do the best, Hope and Have Faith, that you will end up at the right place at the right time. While I saw you collect colourful feathers of various memories, I hoped that you will find me too and maybe soon, alongside everything else. I had just realised then, that I had ‘suddenly started seeing you in a different way’. We were destined to be, and I guess, somewhere in your heart you knew that too.

Then one day, out to another country you flew, and I flew out of the window. I think, that was the time in your life, when you and I have been the farthest apart. Through the hazy window I saw, how you quickly gave my spot in your heart to another. I didn’t mind, because even then I knew, that we were End Game. But knowing this fact didn’t make the pain any less bearable. I felt you push me further and further away, as you wept for him and his presence in your life. He, who was responsible for making you feel like you didn’t deserve anyone, Him and even ME. I was so far away from you that you couldn’t even hear my cry asking you to let me in. Every step I took towards you; you seem to walk away three steps. I could feel my strength and determination being crushed against all the weight of your pain and hollowness of your heart.

Then you flew back, back amongst those who not just loved you, but immensely adored me too. I watched them heal you, little by little, bit by bit and piece by piece. The most beautiful part about this memory I have had is that- this time when I walked in your direction, although you still didn’t walk towards me, you didn’t step away either. I saw you standing there, finally the fog between us dying down and our images becoming visible through it all. I could see those crescent-shaped eyes of yours sparkle again. I saw you show your toothy smile again. You became silly, the wonderfully silly type, and people around you loved for lighting up the room you were in. During these times, without your knowledge, I had started taking longer stride towards you. Your work made you happy, and that made me ecstatic, because I could witness your soul and spirit glow from within. Never would I have believed if I were told that I would end up loving you to the extent I did. Not all days were rainbows and sunshine, some days were tougher than the rest. But it didn’t matter, because I had finally covered the distance between us and we were together and doing great. All that was left was to enter that delightful heart of yours and make it my home.

But I know, it would take some time. All good things take time. During those days I wanted to stand by you, no matter what, but, I slipped many a times. After you left the job to start your own, with nothing to keep the both of us afloat for a while, I could feel things not being okay. During these times, the shadow of self-doubt and the ghost of melancholy waltzed through your heart, and in spite of my hardest efforts I couldn’t stop them or make them fade away. All we could do is to hold on, a bit tighter, for a bit longer, believing that we would get there. It seemed like an infinite loop of the “tried and failed”. While I was desperately trying to find the end of that loop, our friends popped in. They offered you the first chances, gave you the first reviews, invited and included you to create events of their special days.

The light at the end of the tunnel started to show and that sparked our love affair, or I thought. Until he came in, the last one. You had always told me stories about him, and when I previously questioned the strings of your relationship, you always seemed dismiss it with a wave of your hand and a roll of your eyes. But this time it felt different, his space in your heart had slowly started to materialise again, after a long period of 16 years. And there, you did it again, you threw me into the dark dungeons of your mind. I wanted to detest you for treating me the way you did, but I was unable to do that because I knew, you would eventually come around. He played hard and broke your heart every single time you offered it to him. It pained every fibre of my being to see you treat yourself like a lowly person begging for something that isn’t theirs. It was even more torturous to see, that you tried to shove me out through the exit every single time you tried to convince him to come in. Actually, he didn’t even need much convincing; he walked in and out as he pleased and what enraged me the most was the fact that he didn’t let go of you either because of how well and regularly you kept feeding his Ego.

Then one day I saw you reach your hand out towards me, from deep within the well that you were stuck in. It didn’t matter how deep the well ran, but reaching out for help was your first Win. Identifying the patterns and accepting the fact that the causes run much deeper was your second Win. The journey towards your third Win was definitely longer, but I could sense that feeling of ‘freeing exhilaration’ within you. Isn’t it just wonderfully empowering to hold the reigns of your thoughts and feelings? I saw you work steadily on yourself- mentally, physically and spiritually- taking all the support and help from all the amazing people that you met on the way. These people were and are your pillars of strength and I owe them so much. Why you ask? Why wouldn’t I? They are the people who got us- you and I- Together.

I know it has been long and tough journey, and there is no guarantee that it will get better. But about one thing, I can absolutely give you my word, that I will be besides you, FOREVER. No matter how many times you fall, I will pick you up. And if you aren’t ready to get up, I promise to sit down and hold you. No matter where you are, whom you choose to be with, I will stand by you. All these years have made me realise that we are like these railway tracks and you will obviously end at a different spot. But where ever you start, you go or you end, I will still be with you, always by your side. I can’t promise that I will make you smile and always keep you happy. But know that I will be always be your cheerleader and constantly urge you to be the Boss Woman that you already are. In fact, one of the best things I like about you is how high you bounce back every time life pushes you down. I have seen you being your best version in the worst of situations.

I promise you, that you and I will travel around, meet people, eat good food, sing songs, dance along. Just a subtle warning that these things will make you fall in love with me much more deeply. We will meet new friends, cherish the old ones, bond with each other through healing, singing, dancing, being silly or just slowing down to enjoy the moment. I will listen to your stories, all of it; I will tell you stories of your fights and victories of the past when you need to hear it. I will defend you against all, but will also promise to be gentle when I point your mistake out. I know how you tend to make it all about YOUR fault, when you are guilty. And GUILT, I just hate that guy. If we were in a movie and we both were the protagonist, he would definitely be the worst villain in the history of villains. I know I know, you will say he is a poor guy, doing his job. It is simply impossible to argue with you on this one. Your heart is gentle and mind is pure and unfortunately for you, you think everyone thinks like you do. Somewhere I know that you know that GUILT is an asshole, and you are gradually trying to convince him to shift the place of his residence elsewhere. That way you are clever. Those people who call you naïve and stupid, don’t know what you are made of. But I do, and I think you are wonderfully smart and know how to handle tough things and situations. Of course, there is always a scope of improvement, but I know every day is new and every lesson is required!

I want to confront you about something that you have been trying to hide from me, your weakness about letting people go. Be it friends, family, ex-colleagues, the toxic or the non-toxic kind, whoever may have stepped into the realm of your life, is never shown the exit door. You sometimes pride yourself with the huge numbers of people present in your life, but I know that the ones that you trust are as few as the fingers on your hand. But not being able to let go maybe one of source causes of the all the greys in your life, making you compromise on several aspects, including my presence. Your fear is legit, but have to keep in mind that “Everyone in your life will have a last day with you” and it is inevitable. Letting Go is as important as Holding onto is. And trust the timing of your life, whoever is supposed to be with you during a point of time, will be and whoever has to leave will leave whenever they do. And in spite of all of this, life, your Life will go on. AND YOU WILL BE FINE EVENTUALLY.

Big words in this small letter to you, may seem too much, but you will learn, you have your entire life for that, however long or short that might be. But through it all, I promise to be there. You may not feel my presence at times, or even see me. I may not be able to answer to your cry immediately. But know that I am there. I will always resurface, answer you and hold you back at the earliest. I pledge my PERMANENCE to you today, something that I can, proudly say, no other person can offer you with. You are mine and I’m always yours. No matter whom you decide to dance with or what role you are expected to play, we are meant to be the ENDGAME

Yours and Yours only,

Self Love

P.s.: Regarding Joey’s dialogue I mentioned at the beginning, although I claim that it took me years to see what a charm-of-a-person you are, it wasn’t a sudden realisation I think. I think my heart leapt out to you the day you opened your beautiful crescent shaped eyes to see the first ray of light!